The Birds and the Bees
by Mr. Hyde Returns
Summary: Zuko is trapped giving one clueless Avatar Sex-Ed. Katara and Sokka and Toph supposedly 'help'. Read and Review! Please! T for language. Especialy Zuko's.
1. Chapter 1

Zuko idly twirled a twig around, the flames making the shadows on his face come alive. He was deep in thought, and his lips parted slightly as he let a sigh through them. He wondered how it had all happened, what he had done to deserve this…

_Flashback_

It had been an unusually cheerful and sunny day, with the group happily chatting with each other. Aang was busily recounting to Katara how he was improving so much at firebending with Zuko as his teacher. Katara congratulated him on his progress, smiling in genuine happiness at Aang's progress. Sokka was being a pain in the ass as usual, well to Zuko it seemed that way. He was making snide comments on the merits of firebending and Zuko's masculinity in general every now and then. Zuko, in his all forgiving patience, bore it in silence. Although one could observe that the fire he had going next to him was flaring upwards dangerously and inching subtly towards Sokka. 

Teo was merrily chatting with Pipsqueak and the Duke. (Something about flying wheelchairs oddly enough.) Haru was nowhere to be found. Zuko assumed he was out communing with nature. The idiot. Suki was laughing at something Sokka had said. It was probably something crude. Hakoda was lovingly looking towards his daughter, who was now playfully swatting Sokka. 

Zuko felt an unexpected pang in his chest, as he wished, briefly, that his father could have been like that. That his father would look at him with love, not disgust or hate. 

And then he wondered what he would have ended up like, if his father really had loved him. 

_I'd have a loving family, a sister who actually cared about me, and no problems with Mai. Gods, why couldn't I have just taken her with me!? But then, I'd be under the false illusions of the Fire Nation supremacy, that's what. You know, for once, I'm glad that I had the Agni Kai with my father, that I could understand what the Fire Nation really is doing, that-_

"He-ey, Zuko!" Zuko winced at the unnecessarily loud voice of Sokka, who was shouting in his face, waving his hands around. "Birds…" Zuko muttered vaguely, discombobulated (I've always wanted to use that word!), after being literally jerked out of his thoughts. "And bees!" Toph helpfully concluded in a louder than necessary voice. Which reminded him of a certain hellish, incompetent, Water Tribe warrior. No prizes for guessing who.

Meanwhile, Mr. Goo tried to escape from the clutches of the evil… Whoops! Wrong story…

After a while, the conversation moved towards relationships. Sokka was now recounting his relationships, after forcing out from Katara that she used to have a crush on Haru. And Teo. (Who blushed after Katara yelled it out in anger and embarrassment.) And Jet. And maybe Zuko. At that point, Zuko choked and stared at her in shock. Katara had looked away, angrily, muttering something about annoying brothers and decapitation. Disturbing. One could note that Aang looked a bit disappointed after the confessions.

"My first girlfriend turned into the moon…" Sokka's voice trailed off sadly, as he sighed and looked out into the distance. 

"Yeah. That's pretty tough on a guy." Zuko muttered, inwardly wondering how the hell does your girlfriend manage to turn into the moon?! Was he really that bad at sex? Before he knew it, Sokka was standing up in front of him, fuming, with a red face, his fists clenched at his side, tightly.

"What's wrong?" Zuko muttered, confused. 

"What's wrong?" Sokka repeated, grinding the words out through gritted teeth . Vaguely, he could hear Katara sniggering and Toph guffawing shamlessly.

"What's sex?" Aang's innocent voice broke through the moment. Zuko choked, and Sokka's face turned even redder, if possible. _I said that out loud, CRAP!! and Aang doesn't know?!_

"You don't know!? Aren't you like supposed to be Mr. Ancient or something?" Toph's brash voice yelled before lightly thumping Aang on the back. 

"What, am I supposed to know everything there is?" Aang asked, getting the distinct feeling that that was one question he should have just kept to himself. 

"Zuko can explain!" Katara's annoyingly chirpy voice rose above the others as she sported a uncharacteristically evil grin while pointing at Zuko. Zuko gulped. And cursed. And proceeded to give Katara the most deadly glare he had ever given. 

Which Katara attempted to return. 

Alas, she was no match for a glare that has proudly been patented and developed centuries ago by the first Fire Nation leader and passed on through the generations. So she gave up and snarled, "Glare at me all you want, Flamester, you still gotta' give Aang that 'Birds and the Bees talk."

Zuko growled at the nickname. It was just as bad as Aang calling him Hotman! Really, where did he learn Fire nation terms. History books from two centuries back?! Kinda makes you wonder how the hell they survived incognito through the Fire Nation for longer than two hours.

"What? What's so bad about that, can't you tell me Katara? What about this 'Birds and Bees' talk, huh?" Aang asked, thoroughly confused and looking back and forth from Katara to Zuko. 

"Uhhh…Wow? You really are innocent." Sokka groaned and looked at his father. "Who do you think should give Aang the 'Talk', Dad?"

"Why are you asking me?" 

"Cause you know everything since you're my dad!"

"Uhh, well I guess either Katara or you can do it. Maybe Zuko. I don't know…" Hakoda replied, looking uncomfortable. He was never good at recommending someone to give sex ed to the Avatar. Come to think of it, probably no one ever did that in the whole history of Avatars. Made him feel so special. 

"Or maybe you could, old man…" Zuko muttered resentfully under his breath, still shooting everyone dirty looks for even thinking he could teach the Avatar about sex. Sure, he taught him firebending, but really, they were two very different things. One was sex, the other was fighting. One was guaranteed awkward-ness for days on end, the other resulted in happy pre-teen boys and burnt rocks.

"That's it! Zuko's gotta' give Aang the 'Talk'!" Katara yelled triumphantly. Zuko came to and looked around. Everyone appeared to have a finger on their nose. But him. Katara was grinning madly at him and the rest were looking at him in a range of emotions, from pity, to victory. 

Zuko opened his mouth to say one word, before it was too late. 

"Shit."


	2. Chapter 2

Zuko woke up to an over exuberant Avatar. And the first thought was, hammer. His second, coincidentally, was Avatar. Go figure. 

"Okay…right…so…um…how do I say this…err…well…you see Aang, there's this thing called…no that can't work…AARRGH!!" Zuko screamed with frustration. He was currently in the woods, working on his 'The Talk' speech to Aang. With unproductive results. Zuko never was really good at explaining, and especially not this kind of explaining. Hell, he hardly even talked in their little 'group chats'!

Katara had better watch out, and never sleep once he gets out of this ordeal, alive!

"Okay, Aang, you know that…no, that'd embarrass him…crap, what do I do? And so you know when Sokka's talking about…no that'd embarrass him…although that's a very fun sounding possibility…" Zuko now found himself talking to a rock, or more accurately, the bullfrog on the rock. Reminded him of a certain time in the Western Air Temples…

Goddamn bull frogs and incompetent Water Tribe warriors and little blind witches and flying wheelchair ridden-

"Oy! Zuko! Anytime now to give Aang the 'Talk!"

"What the heck is the talk? Huh? What won't anyone tell me?!"

"We're waiting Zuko!" Oh great. That little witch was now calling me in her chirpy voice. How such a girl could be so evil, Zuko will never know.

Sighing, he trudged back to the camp, ready to face his execution in the form of a overly exuberant pre-teen boy.

The joy.

"Okay, so um, uh, Aang, let's start with this question, okay?" Zuko muttered, completely lost as to how he should start the explanation.

"Yes?" Aang however, was cheerful as ever, which scared Zuko.

"Do you, uh, have feelings of affection for someone?" Zuko asked. Awkward question, stupid phrasing, his brain yelled at him.

"Of course! I love all of you guys!" Aang yelled happily. Zuko shook his head, trying to dislodge disturbing images and thoughts on how wrong that sounded. He was reminded of that polygamy cult that his uncle had taken his to visit in order to 'broaden' his horizons. Ugh, bad images, bad images…

"Uh Zuko, are you there?" Zuko felt a hard knock on his head and snarling, he whipped around to see who it was. Of course, that demon sent from hell, express made to torture him. Sokka.

Back to 'The Talk' with Aang.

"Uh, no, not like that…like you know…like the feelings Sokka has for Suki…"

"You mean, like a crush?" Aang asked, helpfully. Zuko nodded, taking time to note that Aang's eyes had darted towards Katara and a bright blush had found his way on his cheeks.

"Umm, no, not really…" He muttered and Zuko had half a mind to call Aang a liar, but decided against it. After all, it wouldn't do to embarrass the boy, now would it?

"Get on to the good stuff, you slow-poke!" Toph's loud, obnoxious voice sounded through and Zuko sighed.

"What good stuff, Toph?" Zuko asked, but knowing what she wanted to hear, though why she needed to hear him say it was beyond him, since it was obvious she knew all about it.

"Don't play stupid, you know what I'm talking about!" she yelled.

"Where babies come from!" Katara's exuberant voice sounded and Zuko made a mental note to cut off her 'precious' braid while she slept, someday…

"And how they're made!" Sokka yelled, just as excited as his sister.

Zuko cleared his throat and looking awkward, he tried to remember what his mother had said about it all. But for once, the Royal Lady Ursa's diction hadn't been quite clear, but he did remember the beginning…

"Well, umm, it begins with a mommy and a daddy and they love-" Zuko stopped mid-sentence to glare at the people who were laughing. Toph howled, "You did not just say that!"

"Mommy…Daddy…great prince Zuko said Mommy…and Daddy…" Sokka choked out through tears of mirth, collapsing against his sister, who was laughing just as hard, if not harder that Sokka. Even Hakoda seemed to have a strained smile on his face. Like he wanted to smile but was afraid to smile. Odd.

"Like I was saying, ummm…they love each other so…they umm…they uh…procreate!" Zuko finished with a near shout. His relief was immense, having found a word that Aang would not be able to understand.

Aang's head cocked to the side with a puzzled look.

"Procreate?" He asked, the question hanging in the air.

"Yeah, umm, a word you'll learn about later…" Zuko quickly said, laughing nervously.

"Explain Zuko. I'm stupid", said Sokka, staring intently at Zuko and crossing his eyes. Katara nodded in compliance with her bother and Toph looked way too eager. WAY too eager.

"Finally, you decided to come out and address your problem." Zuko muttered towards Sokka's general direction.

"Procreation is when you produce babies." He deadpanned to Aang, who still had the look of confusion on his face.

"But where do babies come from?" Aang asked.

"Women."

"Oh. How do they get there, then?"

"The parents procreate."

"I still don't know what procreate means."

"COME ON ZUKO!! BE A MAN! STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH AND START TALKIN'!! " Zuko never hated Toph as much as he hated her now.

"When a male sleeps with a female."

"I've slept with Toph. How come she isn't pregnant?" Aang's innocent voice asked.

Zuko choked and looked at Toph, who was turning a bright red. _Payback! _Zuko thought sadistically as he observed Toph trying to explain her way out of Katara and Sokka's probing, awkward questions. Hah, he could watch this all day and die a happy man.

But no, he had to clarify.

"Not literally."

"Huh?"

"Well, you see, in order to have a child you have to um…have…sex…"

"What is sex, again?"

"When a male lies with a female, or vice versa."

"But you just said that!"

"Reproductive organs, Zuko." Sokka sang, in a falsetto voice.

"I hate you, Sokka."

"Hate is such a strong word, Zuko!"

"Then I STRONGLY dislike you."

"You wound me with your words, you cruel person!"

"Good! Hope I KILL you next time!"

"You little piece of-"

"Guys! What is sex again!" Aang's frustrated yell broke through the start of one of those Zuko-Sokka Petty Arguments That Get The Group Nowhere But Are Fun To Watch kind of arguments.

"Sex is when a male's sperm meets with a female's eggs and forms the fetus." Zuko mumbled, hearing the whole group snigger as one. Gods, he should have just stayed in the Fire Nation.

"How do the sperm and the egg meet, Zuko?" Katara's voice asked, innocently. _Innocent, my ass, that girl has enough evil in her to give my father a run for his money! _Zuko thought to himself, angrily.

"When a man penetrates a woman." Zuko muttered, again.

"Aw, come on! Are you like a priest or something! M Loosen up!" Toph's voice yelled again, that obnoxious brat…

"I _am _goddamn loose!" Zuko snarled, through gritted teeth.

"Gods, that just sounded so wrong." Sokka murmured, making Katara laugh and swat her brother.

"Guys…I'm getting hungry. Can we like go look for food and stuff?" Teo's voice asked, embarrassedly. He probably thought that he was intruding on a private moment. Zuko inwardly chanted a yes! Saved by Teo and his empty stomach!

"We're continuing this tomorrow." Toph yelled and Katara and Sokka grinned sadistically at him.

Nothing good comes without a price.

What'd you all think? Sorry I got this out so late! My inspiration wouldn't work, coupled with my computer being lousy, I was trying to write other fics as well, and my parents were limiting the time I could write this…so…Read and Review. (And hopefully laugh, too!)


	3. Chapter 3

Yay! I finally updated! Gasp This is sort of a filler chapter and a response to mT who wanted for me to include Azula in it, somehow.

The woman slowly made her way down the empty prison hallways, flanked by two guards. Her metal shoes made dull clanks whenever it made contact with the metal flooring, (Why? I don't know…to heighten the drama?) signaling her arrival to the prison inmates who trembled at the sound, knowing it meant only one thing.

Azula smirked, her lips twisting upwards in a cruel smile. She loved the feeling of power. She loved the thrill of dominance. She loved watching all the prisoners shrink away from her, hearing their whimpers of utter fear. But most of all, she loved knowing that she was the one who could break even the toughest warrior, that she _**did **_break him. It gave her a twisted feeling of pride in her chest. On impulse, she let out a small chuckle, which made the two guards behind her shirk back in fear.

Cell Block A9-C6.

Currently in the cell were two battered looking females, one with large, innocent eyes and long brown hair sticky with blood and long since yanked out of its braid. The other was a solemn looking young woman who's expression was currently a grimace of distaste at the rat which was sniffing their food. Not that they were going to eat the slop anyways.

"Say, Mai. Azula's a bit late for her daily torture sessions. What dya' think might have held her up?" The younger woman asked, wincing when the words aggravated her sore jaw.

"I wouldn't know." Mai replied, tersely. She was currently engaged with rubbing her black eye and trying to make the pain subside.

"Maybe she's listening in on our conversation! Oooh, Mai, come on, let's say something!"

"What." The word was not a question as more of a statement.

"AZULA!! YOU SUCK!! I WANT TO KICK YOU!!" The girl bellowed out, obviously forgetting that her jaw was supposed to be sprained by a bruising slap Azula had given her only a day ago. She winced and her hands flew to her jaw, massaging it gently, to no avail. Mai rolled her eyes, well she tried as well as one could with one black eye and the other cut. Both women were too engaged to notice the cell door opening and only looked up when the words rang out.

"Thank you, Ty Lee." A calm-looking woman dead-panned, closing the cell door behind her with a solid thunk.

"Azula!" Both girls hiss at the smirking woman.

"Ready for this session?"

Mai and Ty Lee ached all over. In fact, they ached in places they didn't know could ache. Azula had been tougher on then in this session, no doubt from overhearing Ty Lee's spirited words. Although now, Ty Lee doubted that she would have the energy and strength to kick Azula even if she was unchained and Azula knelt right in front of her. Mai didn't seem to be faring much better, as she was already unconscious. Azula had been especially harsh on her, though it was true. Mai really didn't know anything about Zuko's private life. It had all been one big mystery to her. He hardly talked about his uncle or his ties with the Avatar until her ditched them for the Avatar.

And then they were arrested for trying to cover up for Zuko and his little gang and then…yeah. The rest is all history as they say.

Looking up, she managed to mutter out, "I hope you're doing some good Zuko, otherwise I'll have to kick you…", before passing out herself.

Zuko was bored.

Which was actually a rarity in the 'Team Avatar' group since there were always entertaining and stupid things to watch, usually performed by Sokka with Katara and Aang as unwilling accomplices and Toph as the cheering spectator that usually helped to worsen the situation.

And there, Hakoda would roll his eyes and try not to laugh while chiding Sokka's antics as an enraged Zuko or Haru (they took turns being the pranked) stalked around clutching pink hair or holding up 'Kick Me' signs.

But now, he had nothing to do, since Katara, Sokka, and Toph were engaged in a three-way argument about one of Sokka's stupidities. In this case, it was reading the map upside down. How he managed, Zuko would never know.

And now, Teo was trying to promote the peace, despite the fact that under Sokka's leadership, the group had gone 25 miles south, instead of north. They only realized their mistake when Haru, a sharp observer, noticed that the landscape seemed similar somehow and that's how it was discovered. Zuko shuddered to know what would have happened had Haru not noticed. Bad things.

And now, Aang was blowing spitballs at his toes and using air bending to manipulate the spitballs that missed.

Wait, he still had to have a sex-ed talk with the kid and that spitball thing was just gross.

I hope this is funny, even if it starts out not funny. This is to get my creative juices flowing back into this story. Let me know what you think!


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